One Spa, The Sheraton Edinburgh – micro trip report by Froggee (paterfamilias)
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There’s nothing I like more on a Sunday morning than getting up at 6:55am. The moment I step out of the bedroom Kermit bolts down the stairs to the kitchen. The official rule is he does not get up until 7am but his unofficial rule is that once I am up, the joy of YouTube on the big screen is all his.
While being subjected to some Minecraft-playing YouTuber talk inanely, I empty the dishwasher and fill the boys’ cursed water bottles. I then prepare them fruit plates each getting half a banana, half a kiwi, one large strawberry, three raspberries, two blackberries, three grapes, and five blueberries for Freddo – but only one for Kermit. Kermit hates blueberries but it amuses me to see what excuse he has for not eating it. I then cut up a grapefruit for Mrs Froggee removing the segments from the membrane despite it taking ages because that is how she likes it and it is small gestures like this that undoubtedly keep her from divorcing me.
Kermit then gets three pancakes, store bought I’m afraid. Two with butter and honey and one with Nutella. I refuse to give him all Nutella for reasons apparent to anyone who has read the list of ingredients. At 7:30am I wake up Freddo who is still tired after spending the prior week adjusting back to British Summer Time from Pacific Daylight Time. Freddo wishes to have Cheerios because they have more sugar in them than the other breakfast cereal options.
Not that anybody cares about me but I have Spelt Bran Flakes with raspberries and blueberries along with a mug of tea and a banana. I cannot be bothered making porridge.
As the time approaches 8am I ask the boys if we are going swimming. It turns out they do not wish to go swimming. Kermit says the water is too cold and Freddo is too tired. I got out of bed so as to take them swimming. I suggest it is time that we switch off the TV and they can choose between playing in the garden or coming for a walk with me. They briefly confer.
“Daddy, can we go swimming?”
I tell them to get changed quietly and quickly and not to wake up mummy. It turns out mummy is already in the shower. This is lucky as they don’t get changed and they certainly aren’t quiet. After a bit of wrangling they do get changed and then have to be surgically removed from the Lego room (it was called the garden room until they annexed it). Freddo argues that he should be allowed to wear Crocs like Kermit as socks and shoes take too long. Mrs Froggee and I point out for the umpteenth time that Crocs seem to pull off his toenails which is even less agreeable than wearing socks and shoes.
We leave shortly after 8:30am, heading for the Sheraton Grand Hotel and Spa, Edinburgh. Mrs Froggee and I are members at One Spa at the Sheraton and from 8:30am-9:30am and 4pm-5pm each day members are allowed to bring their children swimming for a £5 payment. The Sheraton is easily walkable. Of course the boys insist we have to drive. I hate the car park there as it was designed for Morris Minors yet most of the customers drive Range Rovers. I manage to find a slightly larger than normal space and I slot the car in it at the third attempt. I then narrowly stop Freddo from shutting his car door on Kermit’s head. We head for the lift lobby. In the lift up to One Spa, as usual, I inform the boys to stay with me in reception and not to muck around. The lift doors open, the boys run out of the lift deep into the reception area and start dancing. I apologise to the reception staff for being unable to control my children, pay the £10 kids’ charge and extract them as quickly as possible.
As we get changed, for some reason, Freddo decides to start talking at full volume about the difference between my “serious face” and my “fart face”. Yet again I explain to him about the difference between his loud outdoor voice and his quiet indoor voice as well as the things he should not talk about in public. Once we are all in our swimming trunks Kermit decides he needs the toilet as he is wont to do. Fortunately, it is just peepee. At 8:50am we finally get to the pool with 40 minutes of children’s hour remaining. After a quick and scalding-hot shower we approach the pool where Kermit and Freddo work as a team to achieve a common objective. That common objective is to push me into the pool. It is wet.
There is much more to One Spa than a swimming pool. In addition to the pool there is a fine selection of thermal suites, saunas, relaxation areas etc and the pièce de résistance of an indoor/outdoor hydropool which is totally awesome although hotel guests need to pay a premium to use these facilities. Obviously kids are not allowed in to them as it would spoil the ambience. And kids cannot be left unsupervised in the pool. So all I can do is look longingly at the warming waters and healing bubbles of the hydropool.
In the pool I play referee for a bit. Occasionally I launch the boys into the air which they like until they don’t. Then we play the game where the boys try and wrestle a float from me. It generally ends when I suffer a catastrophic blow to either the kidneys or the cajones. Neither is a great option but I do still regularly use my kidneys. Today was different as I stopped proceedings on account of poor cardiovascular fitness. I’m out of practice.
After some negotiation, Kermit agrees to swim ten 19 metre laps of the pool in exchange for a bag of ready salted crisps. Freddo swims one lap and then starts huffing as his swimming is “rubbish”. I try to bribe him with the promise of a chocolate chip cookie but Freddo isn’t bothered. He says he does not want a chocolate chip cookie, and engages huff mode. At 9:30am it is time to come out. Freddo wants to stay in the pool and perfect his huffery but I patiently explain that the rules are we have to leave at 9:30am. Freddo tends to adhere to everyone’s rules except those of his parents. We exit the pool. Freddo slow walks to the changing room. I am cold.
Freddo then wants to share a shower with me which we have not done for a long time. It must be some sort of control mechanism. I decide just to go with it so we share a shower or more specifically I stand and hope that some of the water splashes off Freddo’s 1 metre 22cm frame onto me. Freddo asks if he will have body hair when he grows up. Yes Freddo.
We get changed and head to One Spa’s café. We like One Spa’s café. I pass Kermit a book he had asked me to bring. It is called Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I did not know his autobiography had been published. I hand Freddo pencils and paper. Freddo re-engages huff mode and rather than draw, chooses to read the menu. He is deeply unamused when it transpires that the café is out of chocolate chip cookies. Those would be the chocolate chip cookies he did not want. He is insulted at the suggestion he may wish to have an oat and raison one instead. The incredibly kind young lady at the café, who has dragged herself out of bed on a Sunday morning to deal with us, asks Freddo if he is after chocolate. He does not wish to answer any questions without his attorney present. She then says that they had a function there on Thursday night and pulls three flaked chocolate truffles out of a box, puts them on a plate and hands them to me. I thank her for her kindness as Freddo remains resolutely silent. I then order a cappuccino for me, a bag of ready salted crisps for Kermit, a fruit scone for persons yet to be determined and help myself to a couple of glasses of water as Mrs Froggee doesn’t like it when I give the boys espresso-based beverages.
Kermit accepts a chocolate with alacrity and then complains when I allow Freddo to have two. But he is distracted by crisps. My cappuccino arrives (served with a small shortbread round). The fruit scone comes with butter and jam. I spread the scone and offer Freddo half. He is communicative enough to ask for the larger half. I let Kermit have my shortbread to restore honour and justice to the world. Freddo is finished, stands up and asks if we can go home. Normally we sit for a bit but sure, I guess so. I then ask Freddo if he might consider thanking the nice lady for giving him chocolates. I go to the counter to pay and get my parking ticket validated. Scone £3.50, Cappuccino £3.50. Crisps £1.50. Chocolates and water free. Total cost with members’ 20% discount £6.80. I tip £2 which seems both generous and mean at the same time.
Freddo then approaches the counter and actually shows he is capable of good manners and indeed even has interpersonal skills. I go back to the table to grab my bag. I return to find a smiling young lady holding a plate with two more chocolates on it thoroughly aimed at the boys. Weirdly they appear to want my permission to eat them. One of the receptionists says “if you don’t want them, I’ll have them”. I tell the boys to go ahead and then ask the receptionist if she is speaking to me and referring to my children. Apparently this is funny. I wasn’t really joking. We step into the elevator at 10:15am and leave without further disgrace. I was delighted that the parking ticket wasn’t rejected at the exit as the boys disapprove when I have to press the intercom of shame. We return home where I imagine Mrs Froggee was disappointed that it had been a relatively quick one.
Later that afternoon Mrs Froggee tells me that Freddo had told her that he doesn’t want to become a grown-up. She asked him why not. “Because I don’t want to have hairy balls. I saw daddy’s in the shower and they were disgusting.”
The end.
Best thing I’ve read all day!!
Love it 😀
I need to experience an indoor/outdoor pool.
Entertaining as ever, thank you Froggee 🏴
Delightful. Any number of choice quotes, but this shades it for me: “Neither is a great option but I do still regularly use my kidneys.”
As well as the very last line of course!Excellent
Delightfully entertaining, as always, many thanks !
For a long time it might seem as if there’s neither justice nor respite in the universe for diligent parents. But the opportunity for some enjoyable payback does eventually arrive with the fortuitous coincidence of teenagers suddenly becoming über-sensitive and skittish in public at any mention of or reference to all bodily functions just at the very same time that middle-aged fathers realise that they’ve earned the right to not give a tuppenny damn what anyone else in the world thinks or says about their enthusiastic celebration of their own increasingly noisy and uncontrollable signs of anatomical aging.
Wonderful piece.
What always amuses me about the outdoor section of the OneSpa is how hotel guests appear to be totally ignorant of the fact that they are being overlooked by office meeting rooms opposite. I have unfortunately accidentally witnessed the type of shenanigans best not seen with your attorney present!
A lovely start to my long bank holiday weekend, thank you Froggee.
Hilarious….keep the reviews coming!
Delightful. Any number of choice quotes, but this shades it for me: “Neither is a great option but I do still regularly use my kidneys.”
As well as the very last line of course!I came here (no pun intended) to say exactly the same thing.
The last laugh will be on Freddo, of course, because in time he may well discover the reason for cojones and then his view on having a disgusting hairy pair may well change. At which point the worries of fatherhood will again loom large for @Froggee
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