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California Dreamin’
California would not be my first choice for a holiday but Mrs Froggee’s sister lives there so until Covid came along it was our most frequent destination. In 2020 and 2021, California was replaced by South Ayrshire so it was kind of nice to get back to long haul travel after almost four years off. This time we were flying into San Jose (to avoid San Francisco immigration which can be hell on earth) but back home from San Francisco. I had secured four Club seats using an Amex 241 voucher (137,500 Avios + £1,716.56 for two) and a Gold-Upgrade-For-Two voucher (165,000 Avios + £1,716.56 for two). This seemed like a good redemption when I booked it in April 2022 as flight prices were outrageous. However valuing Avios at a penny, we weren’t actually much better off than the prices offered in the recent sale although I didn’t check to see if we could have flown on our preferred dates. In its own way, the GUF2 voucher was a bit symbolic as flying the 2,500 tier points in a year required to earn it was absolutely not my idea of fun and the prospect of going back to several trips to Asia a year was one of the reasons I decided to retire at a relatively young age. I certainly did not retire to spend more time with my family. Ugh.
It turns out that the stress of travelling isn’t enough. Prior to our last trip, the travel gods decided to dial it up a notch providing pre-travel stress also. They clearly chose to keep this up. We were flying on the initial day of the Heathrow Easter security strike extravaganza. All being equal this should not have impacted us as we would clear security at Edinburgh Airport with no need to clear it again at Heathrow. But in the week before departing, I got to play British Airways flight cancellation roulette where every morning I looked to see whether British Airways had cancelled our EDI-LHR flight. They cancelled a few but thankfully not ours.
And as a bonus, we had child illness concerns again with Kermit appearing to have picked up something called Herpangina. This was diagnosed by Dr Google as it didn’t seem to bother him that much. The concern was that Freddo deals much worse with adversity than Kermit. And Kermit’s whinging strategy is acceptable on aeroplanes whereas Freddo’s screaming strategy – not so much.
We weren’t the only ones with child illness concerns. My good friend Bort, who was going to meet up with us in San Francisco, told me his daughter got strep A the day before they were flying from New York to Los Angeles. Unlike our doctors, American ones are happy to prescribe antibiotics so he was told she would be good to travel. And she was. Bort was delighted as taking his family to Disney was a mere cover for him to attend WrestleMania 39.
As it transpired, Kermit was pretty normal again the day before we flew. And Freddo seemed to duck this one. My finger was removed from the cancel button.
All good. Ish.
We were scheduled to depart Edinburgh at 11:15am which offered a reasonably comfortable 2.5 hour connection for our 3:15pm flight to San Jose. On waking I noted with interest that our EDI-LHR flight was showing a half hour delay.
We left Chez Froggee at 8:15am, made good progress round the Edinburgh bypass, and parked up in the short stay terminal car park which cost £68.39 for 14 days. British Airways’ Salesforce Covid form didn’t seem to like children but despite this, check-in at the airport was swift. Security was swifter. The duty-free experience was free flowing and I noted that both taps were working at the water bottle refill station. Indeed one was stuck in “on mode” as if to show visitors how much water we have in Scotland. We didn’t stop this time as unlike at Plaza Premium I am comfortable with the water supply situation in the British Airways lounge. I was doubly pleased about this as it meant I would not need to take advice from kindly people on HeadforPoints telling me how to fill up a water bottle in an airport lounge. We were in the lounge an hour after leaving our house, with only a modest delay on entry while the lounge dragon patiently explained to a man why he could not bring his extended family in with him.
In the lounge I got to monitor the increasing flight delay using Flightradar24. It appeared the plane we were taking had little intention of leaving Heathrow as its departure time kept getting pushed back. The plane did eventually leave the gate 1hr19m late. It then took 20 minutes to get off the ground as it was frustratingly held in first place in the main queue while other planes got to bypass said queue. I could not relax and other than a brief trip to Boots where I bought E45, polo mints and wine gums (£5.25) and a couple of trips to the gents (where I spent a penny and something much more substantial than a penny) all I did was stare at the incoming flight’s progress or lack thereof on my iPad. I had visions of us missing our connection at Heathrow and British Airways refusing to rebook us because they had removed all Heathrow flights from sale. I wish I was normal rather than always catastrophically predicting the future. Mrs Froggee read and the boys watched tv and seemed perfectly content. Once it was finally airborne our inbound plane took a speedy 51 minutes before landing at Edinburgh.
It appears that they are strict in the lounge about not putting lunch out until midday. I hovered at a distance and joked with the lady arranging the spread that I felt like a vulture. “Well go and sit down” she retorted. I didn’t know if she was joking. Once she had finished the “presentation”, I grabbed four ham sandwiches and a bag of crisps to try and get some half normal food into the boys before the vagaries of Club Europe catering. We tend not to order kids meals as doing so removes any element of choice for them. Kermit wolfed his sandwiches down and got stuck into the crisps whereas Freddo had barely made it to the second sandwich before we needed to go. I had a couple of smoked salmon and cucumber sandwiches whereas Mrs Froggee saved her appetite for the feast that was undoubtedly awaiting us on BA1443.
Boarding for the flight was very British Airways with a single tensile-barrier queue for Groups 1-3 and one for everyone else. After pre-boarding only Group 1 was called. Therefore, much of Group 1 had to push past the Group 2-3 peasants ahead of them in the queue which was made difficult by the constraints of the tensile barriers. One Einstein chose to walk round, undo the tensile barrier in front of the desks, and promoted himself to the front. A stampede of Group 1s followed him until an angry member of staff closed the barrier and sent everyone packing with “there are 58 people in Group 1. Join the queue”. I had opted us out of the whole queue thing as I don’t like being penned in like livestock but at this point, we did indeed join the queue because Mrs Froggee has a deep angst that her suitcase might not be situated directly above her. Just then Group 2 got called. Mrs Froggee and I lost Kermit and Freddo in the melee but it wasn’t a problem as the boys easily limboed under the barriers and caught us up. On boarding I managed to successfully stow Mrs Froggee’s bag directly above her which was a huge relief to us all.
Our flight pushed back at 12:30pm, an hour and a quarter late, and took off at 12:45pm. All being well we would be fine for our connection.
I had been hoping for a better class of passenger than I experienced on our most recent Ryanair flight but 1D decided to play a basketball game on his phone while a member of the cabin crew performed the manual safety demonstration right in front of him. Kinda rude. When she was finished, he then celebrated by clearing out his sinuses, one nostril at a time, using his finger to control air flow.
#classy
The lunch choice was salmon with rye or cardboard (I could not be sure which) or tomato mozzarella salad. Mrs Froggee and I took one of each. I was sitting with Kermit who grudgingly tried the salmon and turned his nose up at it. He wouldn’t even try the mozzarella. In total he ate two half cherry tomatoes, a single atom of smoked salmon and the chocolate off the top of the dessert as the dessert itself was “yucky”. Meanwhile Freddo decided he liked smoked salmon so half of ours was shipped over.
The pilot informed us that he had been speaking to air traffic control and he was optimistic we’d be on stand at 2pm.
Happy face.
As the plane started to descend, 1D excelled himself. He decided to check emails on his phone because, you know, flight mode is for other people and put his feet up against the bulkhead because his mother didn’t teach him manners.
On landing there was a mad scramble to get off the flight. Despite strategically chosen seats across row 2, we were overwhelmed by those who stood up well before the fasten seat belt light was switched off, and indeed while the plane was still moving. It was slightly awkward escaping so eventually I squeezed out of my seat and used my Inspector Gadget arms to get Mrs Froggee’s suitcase down, inches from the face of an American woman who had complained relentlessly in the lounge that she was going to miss her flight back home. Happy to assist with that ma’am.
Off we popped and we got our San Jose boarding passes beeped a comfortable 70 minutes before scheduled departure. I mean, why was I even stressed? We tunnelled into the depths of Heathrow and at level -4 we released Kermit and Freddo into the tunnel to B Gates and told them to run free. They did so with aplomb. I also got to exercise my lungs by shouting at them to stop pushing each other.
As things turned out we got to Gate B43 so early it was like the Mary Celeste. It was so dead I actually wondered if we might have been the last people to turn up so asked the sole agent present if they were boarding. Apparently not, just pre-boarding and those chosen for cavity searches. I went back to join the gang who had been spotted by the check-in agent and designated as suitable for pre-boarding but thankfully not cavity searching. This meant we then got to sit in the holding pen for half an hour while the plane was cleaned and the boys complained. We were then rewarded for our patience by getting to sit on the plane for the best part of an hour while everyone else boarded and the ground crew searched for a working tug as the one that had been allocated was broken. Oh, and also while the boys complained.
I had forgotten how annoying Freddo is to travel with. The streetwise Mrs Froggee had grabbed Freddo for the short haul hop leaving me with him for the long haul. Despite having the exclusive use of an iPad with child friendly headphones and a carefully curated selection of downloaded entertainment he kept interrupting me with information like “it’s so comfy here” and “turtles do the front crawl”.
A working tug was finally secured but then they found some “weather” which we were told reduces the “flow rate” so we were to keep sitting on the stand until beckoned by air traffic control. We eventually pushed back at 4:17pm. We did the world’s slowest taxi and Freddo fell asleep at 4:41pm shortly before we took off at 4:46pm.
I believe the Japanese have a word, “wa” which roughly translates as harmony. I felt this for the first time that Friday. Sadly Freddo only napped for ten minutes. Dinner ensued which was emaciated and poor. Much like myself actually. I ordered one cod and one lamb. Freddo tasted the cod and pulled a face but tolerated some of the lamb.
At my suggestion Freddo then watched a movie, Shrek. After a few minutes he piped up “daddy I don’t think this is suitable for me.” Why not Freddo? “I don’t like the ogre, he’s scary.” Erm, Freddo – the ogre is the hero – he’s just a bit grumpy like your daddy. Freddo happily went back to Shrek now he could relate to it.
I declared bed time at 8pm UK time. It took Freddo well over an hour to fall asleep. I cursed that ten minute nap. His head kept popping up like a meerkat. Very annoying. He wasn’t tired. Yes you are. He was too hot. I got him changed into shorts. He was low on water. I sourced water. He wanted a hug from mummy. I sourced mummy. He wanted to see what Kermit was doing. Go to sleep you little ba…ba, try counting sheep Freddo. Eventually he was down and I got to watch Bullet Train. It was murderous and simple enough to follow in my frazzled state.
I slept for an hour or so but that was it. We woke the boys up so they could turn their noses up at the catering again and landed smoothly into San Jose Mineta International Airport. Our seats were adjacent to the door and Freddo took advantage of this to be first off the plane. We followed at speed and arrived at an empty immigration hall which was a wonderfully stark contrast to what we’d endured at San Francisco International Airport the last time we flew there. Stamp, stamp, a not too ponderous wait for our luggage and we were off in search of our rental car. This involved a courtesy shuttle to San Jose’s other terminal which meant waiting in the cold. For a very long line. Kermit was highly unimpressed and apparently felt sick. Freddo practiced his jumping while delighting in Kermit’s misery.
The shuttle eventually arrived and then drove us in a straight line for all of one minute. I checked afterwards on Google Earth and the journey was 600 metres so perhaps a bit more research on my part would have helped as we coulda, shoulda walked it. Courtesy of Avis President’s club from my HSBC World Elite credit card we got to march straight up to our car without human interaction. I had booked a “full size” for 13 days at £411.26 but found an SUV waiting for me. I don’t even know if that was an upgrade but such is the nature of one-way rentals. There were no booster seats which is par for the course but I had prepaid a ridiculous £107.92 for them on top of the £411.26 and kind of wanted them. So I then had to wait at the kiosk while a group negotiated the pricing on a variety of different named driver options. It could be worse – Mrs Froggee was stuck with the boys who had nothing to do but complain. The car didn’t have satnav and we were yet to become familiar with Apple CarPlay so with the help of my phone (which unlike Mrs Froggee’s has US roaming in the package, hah!) we navigated to the Hyatt House San Jose Silicon Valley. We had stayed here before and it was as I remembered although perhaps a little rough around the edges. I had booked two rooms, each with two queen beds, at $250.58 each plus a bonus $10 for parking with the parking fee being an enhancement since our last visit. I had chosen this sleeping arrangement to separate the boys and thus maximise sleep. Having deposited the family in one of the rooms I ventured out to Target at 9pm local time to procure middle of the night breakfast food where I got the first shock at American prices paying $24.10 for not very much including a box of Cheerios that I subsequently noted were best before August 2022. On getting back to the hotel I opened the door of the second room to find it stank of cigarette smoke. A trip to reception rewarded me with a non-stinky room. We eventually got to bed at about 10pm local time, only ten hours later than normal for the boys. The boys exceeded expectations by sleeping until 2am.
Mrs Froggee and I communicated via text message and at around 3am we bowed to the inevitable and headed to Denny’s. I call the early stages of a west coast holiday the “Denny’s phase” as there are very few places you can go at this hour. In the past we have frequented 24-hour McDonalds with soft play facilities but ducked that this time. So we did two Denny’s ($68.36 and $62.63 including the maximum suggested 22% tip coz I’m scared of undertipping plus they were actually nice) and one IHOP ($64.55, also tipped at 22% which was above the suggested range but I was jetlagged) before ceasing our external nocturnal munchies. Unlike Denny’s, IHOP had serviceable avocado toast but IHOP was only open 24 hours at the weekend. After three days of the “Denny’s phase” my poos started to smell really bad and all I could think of was Professor Tim Spector talking about the harm I was doing to my gut microbiome with too much ultra-processed food.
We just had one night at the Hyatt House and I settled the hotel bill using a Hyatt gift voucher I had purchased in 2019 at 10% off in anticipation of staying at the Hyatt at Orlando Airport in March 2020. Given the weakness of sterling in the intervening years this was actually a pretty good investment. We then moved to a three-bedroom Vrbo in Redwood City which had the advantage of being less than two miles from Mrs Froggee’s sister. It cost £3,889.60 for 12 nights which at least gave us more space and better facilities than a hotel. The neighbourhood was reasonable but not exactly salubrious. I was glad I had not chosen the option that was £1,000 cheaper but opposite an auto breakers’ yard. At our “holiday house” we enjoyed the usual night-time harassment by our children. Freddo even started hyperventilating because of the monsters outside his window. “There is only one monster in this house and I’m looking at him”. Kermit soaked his pyjamas turning on the tap. “Change them”. One minute later he returned unable to find pyjamas. Mrs Froggee found them. A further minute later “can I read for a bit?” Son, you can call yourself Tom Cruise and take up Scientology as long as you leave us alone. Freddo’s sheets were “sticky”. They were ruffled a bit. One night I was woken by the noise of the nearby train blasting its horn as American trains seem to do all night. It turns out that night I’d slept through Freddo’s night screaming and when Mrs Froggee attended, she promptly passed out on his bed given how tired she was. My best guess was that without the dulcet snoring of Mrs Froggee to block out the train horns I was disturbed by them. Mrs Froggee was woken by a cat fight which initially she thought was Freddo until a dog joined in. I proudly slept through that one also. Another time Freddo came in to our room and couldn’t even remember what the problem was. I could go on. It really wasn’t ideal and it took a full week before we were vaguely on California time. There was a lot of sitting about the house in the early hours while it was dark outside. We ate far too many breakfasts and not many dinners.
As always, Mrs Froggee’s sister was appalled at our Denny’s phase and suggested a restaurant called Stacks for a better quality breakfast. When my friend Bort came into town with his family, we duly went to Stacks choosing the original flagship branch to maximise the chances of greatness. At Stacks I paid $182.17 (including the middle option of a 22% tip) for four adults and four kids. At least it was less than Bort had forked out at the California Pizza Kitchen when we ate there the prior night. The quantity of food was surprisingly small and I actually found the quality worse than Denny’s. Bort’s kids both turned their noses up at the pancakes, the sausages just tasted weird and somehow, they managed to produce white buttered toast that Kermit found objectionable. The coffee was better than Denny’s but wasn’t refilled. And yes, I tipped the middle option of 22% because I didn’t wish to have a conversation about service standards. Bort then took his brood into San Francisco to do touristy stuff whereas I chose not to risk getting mine murdered. Later Bort advised that he only had one crazy guy mumbling at him but did not experience anything like the great slurpee assault committed against me in 2012 for which I am still receiving therapy.
There is little of note about the vacation as we were visiting Mrs Froggee’s sister and her family. We hung out with them, went to various play parks and generally avoided touristy stuff. I missed walking. I tried walking to Target from the Vrbo but spent more time waiting for pedestrian crossings than I did walking. So I ended up spending a decent amount of time pacing the 175m loop round my sister-in-law’s yard. I think doing this may well have kept me sane. I begrudgingly took the family to the LEGOLAND® Discovery Center Bay Area where for the bargain price of $158.20 I was subjected to an experience I would have happily paid that sum of money to avoid. It was surprisingly busy given that we chose a Tuesday morning when Google said it was normally not busy. I checked on Google when we were there and it had been uprated to “quite busy”. Thanks Google. We had to queue for 15 minutes to get in while one person attended to the queue and two people behind her chatted at the till of the attached Lego store. Obviously Kermit had to go to the toilet during this time but I was relieved to find the queue had not moved one inch on our return. On departing we had to queue to pay for the overpriced Lego we felt compelled to buy as one man served customers in the Lego store and two staff members behind him chatted at the desk for the Legoland entrance. Grrrrrr.
America is now prohibitively expensive as others have observed. On the second day we were astounded that the boys didn’t bat an eyelid at the prospect of being left with their auntie and cousins as they tend to be concerned whenever we try to ditch them. Mrs Froggee and I took advantage and went to Wholefoods which I remembered as being reassuringly expensive. This time it was ruinously extravagant. We paid $99.37 for groceries that fitted in two strong and sturdy Sainsbury’s bags. I reckon like-for-like on groceries was about twice the UK price.
Every time I had to pay a restaurant bill or checked out at a supermarket I winced. We didn’t eat out that much instead preferring to scrounge food off my sister-in-law. But when we did, it was painful. Panda Express for two adults and two kids? $45.05. A simple lunch at Taro san Japanese Noodle Bar for three adults and two kids? $159.76 including middle tip option of 20%. Heck, a Whopper Meal in a run-down mall was $13.55. I considered pawning Mrs Froggee’s engagement ring to fund our expenditure. But I was afraid she would make me wince even more than the prices were making me if I were to do this. So I took the safer option and sold a kidney.
We have a saying in the Froggee household that it isn’t a holiday unless Freddo sustains a head injury. True to form, while “playing” Kermit smacked him in the face with a plastic sword resulting in a very swollen and purple lip. It was so impressive I would have taken a photo of it as I used to do with his injuries until I became concerned that it could result in child protection authorities getting involved if I got hacked. And Freddo slipped and banged his head at a playpark resulting in a golf ball sized lump on his head. He did that all by himself. Thankfully he avoided more serious injury when he decided to retrieve his water bottle from his uncle’s car. Freddo grabbed the car door handle just as Uncle was driving off. Mrs Froggee and I both shouted STOP in glorious harmony which thankfully Uncle heard and stopped. Freddo then had the audacity to be upset at me for the volume I shouted at. No “thank you daddy for saving me from being dragged along by Uncle’s car”. But no major injuries or illnesses. I consider this a result.
All too soon it was time to come home. On the day of departure we got the traditional email from British Airways “about our flight” apologising for a modest 2¼ hour delay. They were considerately closing check-in later as a result meaning we did not need to rush to the airport. We had ended up with a connection at Heathrow of almost four hours after the original flight times both moved the wrong way so this actually played to our favour. At least I thought it did. We dropped the rental car off early with Uncle kindly retrieving us. We then had a final Japanese takeout dinner at home with the fam which was of infinitely superior quality to anything we could have had at the airport and was free because I am a scrounger. Both boys and their auntie then cried like babies as they said goodbye. The boys never used to bat an eyelid whenever I went on work trips.
Sad face.
Uncle dropped us at the airport in plenty of time for our flight. Before checking in Kermit obviously had to pee because it had been 25 minutes since he had last had access to a toilet. We got to march straight up to a check-in desk where I was asked if I would like to take my children into the lounge with me. The Americans sometimes struggle with sarcasm so I am proud to report that I merely said “yes please”. The agent then said “just in case you’d like to have something in one of the airport cafes, here are some vouchers” and presented me with 4x $19 vouchers. Weird.
We headed through passport control and security which was seamless until Mrs Froggee’s bag got secondary screened because she had only emptied out one of the boys’ water bottles at her sister’s house. The TSA agent was surprisingly unaggressive about it but said we would either need to leave the bottle or one of us could go back out, empty it in the toilets, and clear security again. I think I would have ditched the bottle but Mrs Froggee knew how much a Kleen Kanteen bottle costs and was game. I have since googled the price and approve of her choice to go back. I gave Mrs Froggee her passport and boarding pass and sat Kermit and Freddo down. Once she had left us, I then checked the remaining boarding passes and realised that, because I am an idiot, I had passed her the one for LHR-EDI and not the more relevant SFO-LHR. I thought this might be a problem. I found the same TSA agent and told him of my error. He seemed very relaxed, probably because it wasn’t his wife or mother of his children, and he said “she should be okay as they can check on the system that she’s already been through”. Erm, okay.
I then got to wait trying not to let on to the boys that I was highly anxious having released their mother landside without the optimal combination of documents to return. Or a phone. Or her purse. She wouldn’t even have water to drink as she would likely empty the bottle out before realising her predicament. After an indeterminable wait Mrs Froggee appeared in good spirits. It turned out that SFO security didn’t even ask to see her boarding pass as she had merrily told them she had to empty a water bottle as she exited and they clearly never forget a face. She did not even realise I had sabotaged her.
The only time I have been happier to see Mrs Froggee was when she showed up on our wedding day. As an aside there is a funny story about that as she was somewhat delayed despite there being several confirmed sightings of her at our chosen venue. It turned out that weirdly Mrs Froggee was as keen as mustard but was kept waiting while a search party was sent out for her parents who didn’t realise that Scottish weddings actually start on time. Cultural differences, eh? Mrs Froggee’s parents were eventually found in the gift shop because it is important to buy souvenirs to remember the day that you married your daughter off to a Scottish guy of questionable character. I digress.
We headed to the British Airways lounge which I had not seen since its refurbishment. It looked remarkably similar to me other than it was absolutely rammed. The $19 vouchers now made more sense. I thought of @JDB and his views on lounges as we legged it. The lounge dragon asked us if it was a bit busy as we left and I managed to avoid my overwhelming desire to be sarcastic and said “yes”. I was proud of myself for this. We then found a nice spot in the terminal which was airy and reasonably quiet and we had five whole seats to ourselves. Mrs Froggee then went in search of an English breakfast tea which is apparently quite tricky to find at SFO. I encouraged her to buy Scooby snacks with the vouchers as I felt quite strongly that if British Airways have such a woefully inadequate lounge to accommodate an A380 we should not let them off lightly. Normally I would feel petty doing this but the lounge was an absolute disgrace of an offering, even for paupers on a redemption booking. Mrs Froggee was a bit gun shy and only spent two vouchers in two separate cafes. On attempting to check the time, she then realised she had lost her Apple Watch. After a thorough search of her bags, she tottled back to the all-too-familiar Security area where she was delighted to be reunited with it. At this point Kermit claimed he had told her that she had left her Apple Watch in the tray when we were at Security but she had ignored him. Well done Kermit for keeping that information to yourself while your mother went through her bags with a fine-tooth comb right in front of you.
I then took the remaining two $19 vouchers and procured myself some “Smart Water” as in California they do not appear to have normal water for sale. I had stupidly packed my water bottle thinking that I could partake in water drinking in the British Airways lounge. I felt taunted by the numerous free water refill stations given I did not have a receptacle.
For those who are interested, $76 of San Francisco International Airport café credit got us:
– six 40g nut Kind bars
– six 35g oat & honey Kind bars
– two 78g packets of “Brownie Brittle”
– one 50g “peanut butter cup” bar
– 591ml of Smart Water
– one English Breakfast tea (quantity unknown)Boarding was vaguely on time but space constraints at the gate meant it was disastrously organised. We boarded in Group 1 after battling our way past all those who were standing at the gate in anticipation of boarding at some point in the distant future. Walking up the gangway to the upper deck we passed three women who seemed highly amused that they had nearly managed to board the wrong flight. What is the point of the machine that goes beep if this happens?
Our flight’s revised departure time of 9:40pm came and went and I started to become a wee bit nervous about our connection at Heathrow. We were booked on the 5:20pm up to Edinburgh. I checked and was pleased to see that there was a 6:15pm and a 7:15pm with plenty of seats for sale so I relaxed a bit. We eventually took off at 10:30pm but the pilot informed us in an assured tone that part of the delay was to load extra fuel so we could fly quicker and he had been speaking to air traffic control about taking some short cuts. I had visions of the plane disappearing into Baffin Island and popping out of Iceland as happens in Super Mario Land.
The flight was uneventful. We all attempted to sleep but the noise of the meal service made this difficult until about 1am. I was next to Kermit this time as Freddo was adamant he was having Mrs Froggee. She was delighted. (She wasn’t delighted.) Both boys did kind of sleep. I managed some very disturbed sleep on account of being repeatedly knocked into by the crew and my fellow passengers. I hate 53J. I then got thoroughly kicked by Freddo when he clambered over my legs to go make peepee and that ended my attempts at shuteye. Kermit had direct aisle access from 53K and could pee freely. This just about made me taking 53J worthwhile.
Breakfast actually sounded good with a choice of the full English, pancakes, or an avocado and tomato omelette. I would have preferred the omelette but ordered the other two to give Kermit a fighting chance. He wanted the pancakes which came in a grim looking and disgustingly sweet sauce. Kermit tasted the sauce and pulled an expression that said it all. I swapped his pancakes for my full cooked breakfast. “But I want the pancakes” he said. Erm, okay. I swapped them back. Kermit then proceeded to move the pancakes about his plate with a couple of aborted attempts to eat a piece until he realised that the sauce was inescapable. I would have eaten them but not after that. I lost my sausage to him without thanks.
I got Kermit to pee around 30 minutes before the 4:05pm touchdown. 75 minutes to make our connection. Given that T5 minimum connection time is 60 minutes I figured we would be fine. We were pretty quick off the plane. Mrs Froggee needed to empty out the cursed water bottles which she had neglected to do on the plane. Kermit then decided that he needed to pee given it had been at least half an hour since he last went. This did not take long but it was long enough that when we got to the transit level, we were just in time to see the wee train thing speed off. Balls.
Normally I would have decamped to the tunnel and speed walked as it really doesn’t take that long but Mrs Froggee has been sporting a knee brace of late so we chose not to. The next transit took ages to come. Time was ticking. We got to Flight Connections with 50 minutes to go and I was starting to feel stressed. At Passport Control there was the sum total of one officer and a reasonable queue. I reckoned we were stuffed. But as if by magic, two officers appeared and we were processed. We got to the beepy-picture-taking-machine section about 38 minutes before our flight.
We could not go to an automated gate because the camera on them is fixed. Both staffed lanes had big queues. We waited in a queue. A family with a child shorter than Freddo went to the automated lanes to be told NO by the roaming automated-gate-dragon. The father argued with the gate-dragon and proceeded to lift his kid up to eyeball the camera. It worked so I was like “we are totally doing that!” We were now approaching 30 minutes before our flight which is a key cut-off time at Heathrow.
I then had to argue with the same lady. When I pointed out that the family in front had a kid younger than mine she said “but he lifted his son”. I will lift my sons too said I and she then proceeded to help with the scanning of boarding passes while I thanked my lucky stars that my boys are light for their ages. I had visions of my boarding pass getting rejected at the end but we all made it.
Our reward for making it past the beepy-picture-taking-machine was a detour I’d not encountered before at Flight Connections where we were eventually greeted by a tensile barrier queue full of passengers hoping to win entry to the security area. I cannot bring myself to trample over others so again, I mentally gave up. Then another family appeared behind us, and having asked permission from the security-lane-dragon, they lifted the tensile barriers and overtook on the inside track. I asked the security-lane-dragon also and we were given similar permission to queue jump. We followed the family whilst apologising profusely to those we bypassed. Our reward was to be allowed to join an actual security queue which was so much better than the pre-queue. I thought the security staff would have been invigorated after ten days downtime during the strike but it very much felt like they were on a go slow. I really cannot blame them.
We were definitely in with a chance of making our flight. Therefore, I was particularly delighted when Kermit walked through the metal detector and got beeped. I ditched him to repack the bags while he got wanded and then swabbed as 9-year-olds wearing slim fitting clothing are well known for carrying explosive devices. After repacking the bags, I went to retrieve Kermit who was waiting while an even younger potential terrorist was being frisked. Kermit said he had been told to wait. So we waited until the staff were finished with the other juvenile delinquent. I asked if everything was okay and was informed that Kermit had been given the all clear and told to go. Luckily I did not have time to strangle him as our flight left in 15 minutes. From Gate A4. At this point I realised we had connected via South Security for the first time ever. I imagine this was especially laid on just for us to further reduce our chance of getting our flight.
I speed walked. The boys and Mrs Froggee just about managed to keep up. We got to Gate A4. Which isn’t a gate. It is a down escalator. And then another down escalator. We had probably missed our flight as we still couldn’t see a gate and we were now at nine minutes until departure. We got to the bottom of the escalator to hear the last call for our flight. On balance this was probably a good thing. We presented our sweaty selves and were rewarded with having to squeeze onto a waiting bus while everyone on it stared at us and quietly tutted. We talked very loudly about our late incoming flight in an attempt to curry favour or at least sympathy.
We boarded the flight and noted our luggage was sitting with several other bags on the tarmac. They had wisely chosen not to load it until we were there. Not all the waiting bags were put on the plane. Despite the overhead lockers being rammed, a member of the cabin crew magically made space for Mrs Froggee’s carry on. The pilot then informed us that we had missed our take off slot which was because there had only been one bus available for boarding rather than two. The missing bus is probably why we had managed to make our flight.
After the EDI-LHR flight catering, I had actually ordered the kids “meals” for this flight. They were worse than the adult meals with the offering being two rolled up bits of stale, bland cheese with a few pieces of tomato and cucumber. This was served with a bread roll, a piece of rock hard butter and a trifle-like dessert. I was next to Kermit again. He ate the tomatoes, the bread roll, the butter (separately) and the chocolate off the top of the desert. Another fail. Mrs Froggee had prawns and I had roast vegetables. We both agreed it would have made an agreeable starter but to call it a “meal” was nonsense. I put Kermit’s stale cheese in my bread roll and considered myself lucky.
That is pretty much it. Our bags arrived which was unsurprising given that I had seen them being loaded. I went to Marks and Spencer at Edinburgh Airport which is the best thing since sliced bread. There I bought what felt like quite a lot of food for not very much money. I remembered I had parked my car in row I of the short stay car park with the handy mnemonic of “I for intolerable children”. I attempted to exit the car park but was greeted with a cheery message saying that I had overstayed with a request for a further £20 payment. Ugh. Because I am an idiot, I had booked for a day less than necessary. Pesky overnight flights and all that.
We got home and for the first holiday in three attempts the house wasn’t freezing. Yay. We then undertook the small matter of trying to get the boys back onto UK time. This was much worse than getting them onto California time and mainly involved me being screamed at by Freddo and feeding Kermit in the middle of night. We had four nights before they went back to school so I got them up at 11am, 9am and 8am before a normal 7am. Mrs Froggee went for midday, midday, midday, 6:45am which I felt was a suboptimal jetlag strategy but she’s a grown-up so I let sleeping dogs lie, as it were. Freddo kept waking up in the middle of the night even once he was back at school and started getting very anxious at bedtime. It was almost like having a two-year old again. He made me promise him that if we went back to North America in the Easter holidays, we would only go for one week so he would have one week to adjust back. Based upon how this trip went, we will not go at Easter again for quite some time. But we are thinking about going for four weeks in the summer of 2024. I am currently planning a heist at the Bank of England to fund it.
The end.
Many thanks for another entertaining read about Clan Froggees foreign adventures including full costings
If this report isn’t the definition of “I need a holiday to recover from my holiday” then I don’t know what is! Very much enjoyed thanks @Froggee, though was wincing along with you at your meal and food shop prices. Everything I’ve read on here recently has put me off the US for the time being but this is the nail in the coffin.
Brilliant, “£3,889.60 for 12 nights” For a 3 bed Vrbo in a “less than salubrious” neighbourhood. I winced at that. I wonder if US prices are hitting UK leisure and VFAF numbers in a serious way and that’s partly why BA sale prices across the Atlantic are returning to more normal levels?
Well done Froggee. Entertaining review and appreciated.
Loved waking up to this Froggee, thank you. It’s reinforced my intention to avoid returning America until prices are more reasonable. Haven’t been since 2015 and don’t miss it.
Kermit and Freddo are lucky to have you, I want a dad like you!Thanks as always, an enjoyable read on my Antipodean holiday – please don’t stop.
Also think I’ve worked out why I enjoy your writing style so much – believe it combines two of my all-time favourite authors, the inimitable Tom Sharpe and the amiable Bill Bryson.
What I’d really love to know is whether the bairns Kermit and Freddo take after their Maw Froggee or their Paw Froggee 🙂
Just love these such well written and closely observed tales of real life; and thanks for the mention!
Many thanks, entertaining as always. I don’t think I’d be visiting the US at all if it wasn’t for IHG points and F&B credits. It’s making 13 nights on a cruise ship to Hawaii look like very good value.
Great read. We also had a child that always had a head injury on holiday – luckily (or not) his now old enough that we now have to worry about what state the house will be in when we return from holiday.
What I’d really love to know is whether the bairns Kermit and Freddo take after their Maw Froggee or their Paw Froggee 🙂
Now that is an excellent question and one I have given much consideration to. On first appearance, Freddo looks much more like Mrs Froggee and Kermit is a bit more like me. However, some people say that they look similar to each other. Yet nobody has ever accused Mrs Froggee of looking like me. I am sure she is forever grateful for that.
In terms of personalities and physiologies, it is much more confusing. At numerous times in their respective development, there have been occasions where one of them might completely do my nut it. But Mrs Froggee completely took things in her stride. And invariably when Mrs Froggee cannot cope with whatever is going on, I am cool with it.
This has led to a realisation that the gene lottery machine has taken our DNA, thoroughly shuffled it, weaponised it, and turned it back on us. It turns out that when faced with behaviour resembling our own personalities, we find it intolerable. But over the years, we have learned to tolerate the other person in the partnership quite easily. You could argue that this is nature being both clever and downright mean.
In summary, it’s a complete mash up.
Thanks @Froggee, you just made the whole carriage in a delayed london-bound train smile as I burst out laughing (with you, not at you, you understand) whilst reading this account.
Definitely aim to leave out the US for the foreseeable in case of not winning the lottery.The A380 experience is not good and is a reason enough for some of them to be re-fitted, particularly in the context that the B777Xs aren’t turning up on time.
Great trip report, thanks for typing up!
We have 4 weeks in Florida coming up this summer. You are right about prices for everything being on the rise. You have to wonder when it will hit a ceiling. I’ve been to the US 4 times with work since our last holiday there last summer, and each time it seems to be more expensive. Not too bad when you are on expenses, but painfully tough when you are paying for 2 teenage girls!
Thanks for feedback and trip report @Froggee. Keep on travelling and keep the reports coming.
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